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two

two

lay side, two sides

nowhere, two hide

love’s two, childish pride

two make, sex ride

two talk, amidst ugly lies

afraid to see, two blind

two tired, to rewind

two create, not one mind

reality, two find

two

 

peace be

Day 59

 

 

 

 

 

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my chemical romance

It’s Day 57 without chemicals. My Chemical Romance!…38 years. I fell head over heels for chemicals…love at first numb. So..here i am at age 51..left with the maturity of a thirteen year old..not knowing who i am without my chemicals. I hold on to them like a mother holding her child. Finding some kind of self-worth, security, and a feeling that “this” makes me ok..my child of chemicals. Drug of choice..”what you got!” ..my instinctive answer. Of course i have my first love, no other like her, but i love her family too. Through the years i’ve had romances with whatever her name was…doubt i can even recall all her names. Think?.. i’m afraid of being without her…scared shitless here. Yet i find excitement in, what i see as, the journey to me. Someday…i want to be…HER (the chemical that makes me, me). I don’t want to be able to get enough of me, i want to desire being me, i want to know being me is ok. I remember (from old photos) being four years old standing by an unlit metal trash can in the backyard with my mom and older sister at my side, throwing my blanket (blanky) in that soon to be fire breathing dragon.Yes…i threw my blanky in that dragon and mom lit the dragons breath. I cried! I lived through it. Now it’s time to throw my chemical blanky to the fire breathing dragon. Once my chemical blanky is consumed by the dragon’s fire…i must become the dragon. Alert, Powerful, Fearless, Fire breathing dragon…putting out the fire with my fire…me.

peace be

Day 57

Thank you to those of you who view and follow my blog. I write in this blog for me (selfish) but i find some relief, some kind of therapy, some accomplishment..do’n ’bout it..ya know. Not sure if i will ever be a bright and shiny writer…for example:

i look…

at earth’s book

i climb…

her hugging tree

i see…

the beauty of her sea

i notice…

the color in her sky

brings…

her rain to my eye

i stand…

on her ground

here i’m…

not lost but found

her love…

made me

now…

i can be

peace be

again thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

this storm

this worn storm

my natural norm

i… be swarm

what was re-born?

death’s saving kiss

you me miss

instant wish list

must have just miss’d

end’s final bliss

think’n i remember

the letter sender

behind blind bender

hands up surrender

suitcase heavily packed

take hat rack

don’t forget sack

be right back

this norml norms

addiction’s lighting storms

hate lengthy forms

fate form’s scorn

is sin real?

doesn’t innocence steal?

don’t make deals

eat orange peels

green as weed

produce higher breed

award’d top seed

hate hate’s creed

my norm…

this storm

peace be

Day 56

 

 

 

 

 

 

dope choices

sleep walking
yet talking
hear voices
dope choices
mind host
gray ghost
nose bleeds
powder seeds
fingers shake
shit bake
numb toes
dope flows
sensitive dick
sound sick?
veins collapse
can’t relapse
needle stalks
my block
glass glows
dark holes
recovery lights
my fights
stay strong
not wrong

peace be
Day 56

this pride

this pride
swell’d up inside
blind’n my eyes
cause’n self lies
this pride

this pride
on which i ride
from side to side
cause’n me to hide
this pride

this pride
doesn’t think i’m good enough
to pick-up my pieces and move on
keep’n me from write’n my new song
this pride

peace be
Day 54

pride comes before the fall…then keeps you there.
be humble

found lost

found lost in pain
truth brings wind and the rain
pain ain’t gain
in this brain
side to side i’m toss’d
my sin cost
pain in lost

peace be
day 51

looking for whats not lost

my pieces

i look back, down, all around
pieces of me scatter’d on the ground
think…in those pieces, i can be found
be me, not this clown
in them, find my smile, let go of this self made frown
am i lay’n so near
are those pieces of me, i fear
are those pieces stain’d by my own tears
do those pieces reflect me like a mirror
have i courage to look at me in my own mirror
accept what i see without fear
allow myself time to see clear
ooooo dear…
the journey to me is far, from in here
second guess’n each choice
find a way to trust my inner voice
some of those pieces will be fucking heavy
at times i’ll pretend to be a pick-up made by chevy
to carry my pieces in
as i forgive me of those pieces of sin
addiction will not be my end
i will pick-up those pieces, put me together again
the picture on my puzzle will be me…
and on my face i’ll see…
a smiling grin
God…i want to win
peace be