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my chemical romance

March 6, 2012

It’s Day 57 without chemicals. My Chemical Romance!…38 years. I fell head over heels for chemicals…love at first numb. So..here i am at age 51..left with the maturity of a thirteen year old..not knowing who i am without my chemicals. I hold on to them like a mother holding her child. Finding some kind of self-worth, security, and a feeling that “this” makes me ok..my child of chemicals. Drug of choice..”what you got!” ..my instinctive answer. Of course i have my first love, no other like her, but i love her family too. Through the years i’ve had romances with whatever her name was…doubt i can even recall all her names. Think?.. i’m afraid of being without her…scared shitless here. Yet i find excitement in, what i see as, the journey to me. Someday…i want to be…HER (the chemical that makes me, me). I don’t want to be able to get enough of me, i want to desire being me, i want to know being me is ok. I remember (from old photos) being four years old standing by an unlit metal trash can in the backyard with my mom and older sister at my side, throwing my blanket (blanky) in that soon to be fire breathing dragon.Yes…i threw my blanky in that dragon and mom lit the dragons breath. I cried! I lived through it. Now it’s time to throw my chemical blanky to the fire breathing dragon. Once my chemical blanky is consumed by the dragon’s fire…i must become the dragon. Alert, Powerful, Fearless, Fire breathing dragon…putting out the fire with my fire…me.

peace be

Day 57

Thank you to those of you who view and follow my blog. I write in this blog for me (selfish) but i find some relief, some kind of therapy, some accomplishment..do’n ’bout it..ya know. Not sure if i will ever be a bright and shiny writer…for example:

i look…

at earth’s book

i climb…

her hugging tree

i see…

the beauty of her sea

i notice…

the color in her sky

brings…

her rain to my eye

i stand…

on her ground

here i’m…

not lost but found

her love…

made me

now…

i can be

peace be

again thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

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