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Day 22

January 30, 2012

Glad i’m not trying to make it “a day at a time”…would not have made it through yesterday…there’s something real ’bout living in each moment. So what happen’d? She (my first love) txt me yesterday…the price was right and i was promised she wouldn’t lose weight before i got to her (guess there is one thing i hate; when my love is lite!!). Better yet…she was within three minutes from me. I thought ’bout the movies where two lovers are running toward each other through a field, arms out, light in their eyes, happy lips, and when they meet…o that first hug after its been awhile…the lightness, the ease at which he lifts her in the air…spin’n round & round. Can you believe i felt that! I wanted to run to her. Then when i said to myself…NO…jealousy took over…if i don’t have her…who’s going to be making love to her?.. she belongs to me! That’s as real as i can be ’bout how i feel toward her…as sick as it may seem…i want her all to myself…hurts to think others are get’n off on her…at least without me! Hell…we’ve been together for thirty years and i had many affairs with her friends for years before meeting her. I’d share her name with you but she has so many…ya know.

So what did i do? Txt my best friend (girlfriend)..’bout my other lover txt’n me…how my stomach ached…my ears ringing so fuck’n loud drive’n me insane…how she was woo’n my mind…how i want to make love to her one more time…yep…just one more time. My first love whispers in my ear, wanting me to forget how my life spun out of control when i was with her…how i promised to love her forever…how i gave up everything for her…and how she melted away my fear, tears, depression, shame, etc. Thank god for my dear best friend…who in typical Dana fashion said “i know babe, i’m proud of you, 21 days today!”…true…she’s that real!..she knows and understands ME…what i can’t believe is how she, knowing all the me (s)…she still loves ME. Tears here roll’n…fuck! Unconditional love, i truly didn’t think was real. This girl has proved me wrong…god…i do not like be’n wrong!

I got through the “wanting moment” and here i am in this very moment on Day 22. My mind seems to be look’n for a place or should i say, right place to put these thoughts, feelings (simply feeling again), what do i do with accomplishments, failures, happiness, sadness, love, wrongs, peace, recovery, shame, hurt, pain, IT, past, future, me(s)…all these things clutter’n my head and i’m looking for a space that’s not filled with other clutter to put them in. Confusion is confusing but at least i know now i’m confused!  Not so confused to know i’m going to get over her…divorce is tough…ever if she leaves you in the pit. I’m going to beat IT!!!

Stay Tuned

peace be

Day 22

“A better way than trying to fill all your moments is to become aware of the fullness that each moment already offers. ” Line from (mindful recovery by Thomas Bien and Beverly Bien) …check it out.

Like NA AA , the book doesn’t hold some easy, miracle way to recovery but does offer some damn good insights. Sorry addicts, god knows i love addicts, but the only one that can bring happiness to your/my life, take away the empty, make you/me live again…is you/me.

 

 

 

 

 

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One Comment
  1. Came across your site and loved this post. I’m an addict too, trying to get clean. 26 days? Thats awesome!!

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