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wordsfortheaddictedlikeme

Imagine life without hate

Only love we could create

Happiness would be our fate

Peace behind every gate

peace be

Day 14

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love is

love is

a spring that boils up through our soul

giving life if we allow our-self to grow

love is

a river that flows through our soul

bringing us truth if we allow our-self to know

love is

an ocean that embodies our soul

forgiving those who hate and making us whole

love…let it show

peace be

Day 67

hard clay

close’n my closet

ya know i got it

you lie to me

i see

white turn black

no turning back

i’m ugly

you’re lovely

i see

you remember me

i’m that one

from me i run

it’s right here in my head

you wish i was dead

the sun set is red

hair of dreads

take me to you

i can see through

whatever you want to do

do

i’m over there

you’re here

fog is clear

your voice

i find no choice

you’re beautiful

i know

can’t let it show

ya know

i ran from there to there

i fuck’n swear

i did

did you find that lid

or fuck another sid

it’s ok

hard is my clay

you find the cracks

monkey on my back

hand made

just want to get laid

paid

what the fuck you got to say

i’d pay

you are my rainy day

peace be

 

 

me…wants

is it just my fuck’d up mind

why i’m so hard to find

stealing tickets to ride this ever changing ride

climbing these mountains of me inside

seeing my self made lie

me…wants

to live before i die

peace be

Day 65

 

 

 

don’t read this

I think…instead of writing poems, thoughts, and bullshit; i want to tell my story. Not sure where to start or which angle to tell it from. I’ve lived so many lives…change after change after change. The only constant has been drug use and unhealthy relationships. Later this month i will be going back to school…my field…human services…drug and alcohol counseling. One thing i understand and know is addiction. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, and the woman i’m in a relationship with. None of which is healthy.

I’ve been writing songs and poetry since i was a young boy. Some i’ve shared with you. Child’s Lie (posted yesterday) was written in the early 90’s…the original was more about the lie i believed i was told through my childhood about the antichrist…not as typed yesterday…which made it come across more like i’m a end times thinker or even believe it. idk

Although i write this blog more as a logging tool than a blogging tool…i’d like to connect with other addicts in a way that they know they’re not alone, someone has been right where they are, and we (addicts) have the strength within ourselves to beat IT! The answer isn’t out there somewhere but right inside us. How we must come to a knowing while in addiction (s), we are sleeping, and need to wake “self” up. Inside us is more than we can even imagine, we are bigger than our dreams, powerful…not lost in a world around us…just lost inside.

It’s been 64 Days today (i think that count is right). Each day, i find, i’m finding some of those pieces of me…picking me up…pieces of thinking, memory, feelings, etc…those pieces are coming in at a baby crawl pace…there’s bunches of pieces and i still find fear in facing them. There’s some huge pieces to pick-up and face…consequences. Not ready yet…but as i develop strength, security, and maturity…i’ll face them one by one.

So…maybe…i can tell you about the pieces i’m picking-up, how i created those pieces of me, the cravings, the fight for me, the changes in my life, and school. God, i wish i could tell you i won’t fall back into the pit of addiction but i can’t. I only promise to be honest in my writings, other than that, no promises.

For now i’ll keep writing thoughts, hoping someone is understanding the confusion in them…seeing what a life of addiction, rather it be drugs, relationships, sex, depression, pain, or work…can take control of your life…rob you of your life, leaving you confused, lost, hurt, and facing consequences.

Have a groovy day!

peace be

Day 64

child’s lie

darkness fell upon the earth

a soulless woman gave birth

to a child with a curse

for evil he will thirst

she only knew

he would be the one

to turn us from the son

he’ll need no gun

to decieve

masses will believe

the moon will rise in day

the son will fade away

the sea’s will dry

souls will die

because of her child’s lie

peace be

Day62

lil giant memory

worry

blended with hurry

in here clear is blurry

me

i can not see

memory won’t let me be

heart

my lost forgotten art

keeps me, myself and i a-p-a-r-t

head

the place i soooo dread

me i should not have ever read

soul

scarred by memory’s unforgotten low

please heal re-grow re-begin to glow

memory

take it to the refinery

purify this lil giant memory

peace be

Day 61

drugs will:

1. make you do things you never thought you would do

2. take you places you never wanted to go

3. cost you more than you were ever willing to pay.

two

two

lay side, two sides

nowhere, two hide

love’s two, childish pride

two make, sex ride

two talk, amidst ugly lies

afraid to see, two blind

two tired, to rewind

two create, not one mind

reality, two find

two

 

peace be

Day 59

 

 

 

 

 

my chemical romance

It’s Day 57 without chemicals. My Chemical Romance!…38 years. I fell head over heels for chemicals…love at first numb. So..here i am at age 51..left with the maturity of a thirteen year old..not knowing who i am without my chemicals. I hold on to them like a mother holding her child. Finding some kind of self-worth, security, and a feeling that “this” makes me ok..my child of chemicals. Drug of choice..”what you got!” ..my instinctive answer. Of course i have my first love, no other like her, but i love her family too. Through the years i’ve had romances with whatever her name was…doubt i can even recall all her names. Think?.. i’m afraid of being without her…scared shitless here. Yet i find excitement in, what i see as, the journey to me. Someday…i want to be…HER (the chemical that makes me, me). I don’t want to be able to get enough of me, i want to desire being me, i want to know being me is ok. I remember (from old photos) being four years old standing by an unlit metal trash can in the backyard with my mom and older sister at my side, throwing my blanket (blanky) in that soon to be fire breathing dragon.Yes…i threw my blanky in that dragon and mom lit the dragons breath. I cried! I lived through it. Now it’s time to throw my chemical blanky to the fire breathing dragon. Once my chemical blanky is consumed by the dragon’s fire…i must become the dragon. Alert, Powerful, Fearless, Fire breathing dragon…putting out the fire with my fire…me.

peace be

Day 57

Thank you to those of you who view and follow my blog. I write in this blog for me (selfish) but i find some relief, some kind of therapy, some accomplishment..do’n ’bout it..ya know. Not sure if i will ever be a bright and shiny writer…for example:

i look…

at earth’s book

i climb…

her hugging tree

i see…

the beauty of her sea

i notice…

the color in her sky

brings…

her rain to my eye

i stand…

on her ground

here i’m…

not lost but found

her love…

made me

now…

i can be

peace be

again thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

this storm

this worn storm

my natural norm

i… be swarm

what was re-born?

death’s saving kiss

you me miss

instant wish list

must have just miss’d

end’s final bliss

think’n i remember

the letter sender

behind blind bender

hands up surrender

suitcase heavily packed

take hat rack

don’t forget sack

be right back

this norml norms

addiction’s lighting storms

hate lengthy forms

fate form’s scorn

is sin real?

doesn’t innocence steal?

don’t make deals

eat orange peels

green as weed

produce higher breed

award’d top seed

hate hate’s creed

my norm…

this storm

peace be

Day 56