Imagine life without hate
Only love we could create
Happiness would be our fate
Peace behind every gate
peace be
Day 14
love is
a spring that boils up through our soul
giving life if we allow our-self to grow
love is
a river that flows through our soul
bringing us truth if we allow our-self to know
love is
an ocean that embodies our soul
forgiving those who hate and making us whole
love…let it show
peace be
Day 67
close’n my closet
ya know i got it
you lie to me
i see
white turn black
no turning back
i’m ugly
you’re lovely
i see
you remember me
i’m that one
from me i run
it’s right here in my head
you wish i was dead
the sun set is red
hair of dreads
take me to you
i can see through
whatever you want to do
do
i’m over there
you’re here
fog is clear
your voice
i find no choice
you’re beautiful
i know
can’t let it show
ya know
i ran from there to there
i fuck’n swear
i did
did you find that lid
or fuck another sid
it’s ok
hard is my clay
you find the cracks
monkey on my back
hand made
just want to get laid
paid
what the fuck you got to say
i’d pay
you are my rainy day
peace be
is it just my fuck’d up mind
why i’m so hard to find
stealing tickets to ride this ever changing ride
climbing these mountains of me inside
seeing my self made lie
me…wants
to live before i die
peace be
Day 65
I think…instead of writing poems, thoughts, and bullshit; i want to tell my story. Not sure where to start or which angle to tell it from. I’ve lived so many lives…change after change after change. The only constant has been drug use and unhealthy relationships. Later this month i will be going back to school…my field…human services…drug and alcohol counseling. One thing i understand and know is addiction. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, and the woman i’m in a relationship with. None of which is healthy.
I’ve been writing songs and poetry since i was a young boy. Some i’ve shared with you. Child’s Lie (posted yesterday) was written in the early 90’s…the original was more about the lie i believed i was told through my childhood about the antichrist…not as typed yesterday…which made it come across more like i’m a end times thinker or even believe it. idk
Although i write this blog more as a logging tool than a blogging tool…i’d like to connect with other addicts in a way that they know they’re not alone, someone has been right where they are, and we (addicts) have the strength within ourselves to beat IT! The answer isn’t out there somewhere but right inside us. How we must come to a knowing while in addiction (s), we are sleeping, and need to wake “self” up. Inside us is more than we can even imagine, we are bigger than our dreams, powerful…not lost in a world around us…just lost inside.
It’s been 64 Days today (i think that count is right). Each day, i find, i’m finding some of those pieces of me…picking me up…pieces of thinking, memory, feelings, etc…those pieces are coming in at a baby crawl pace…there’s bunches of pieces and i still find fear in facing them. There’s some huge pieces to pick-up and face…consequences. Not ready yet…but as i develop strength, security, and maturity…i’ll face them one by one.
So…maybe…i can tell you about the pieces i’m picking-up, how i created those pieces of me, the cravings, the fight for me, the changes in my life, and school. God, i wish i could tell you i won’t fall back into the pit of addiction but i can’t. I only promise to be honest in my writings, other than that, no promises.
For now i’ll keep writing thoughts, hoping someone is understanding the confusion in them…seeing what a life of addiction, rather it be drugs, relationships, sex, depression, pain, or work…can take control of your life…rob you of your life, leaving you confused, lost, hurt, and facing consequences.
Have a groovy day!
peace be
Day 64
darkness fell upon the earth
a soulless woman gave birth
to a child with a curse
for evil he will thirst
she only knew
he would be the one
to turn us from the son
he’ll need no gun
to decieve
masses will believe
the moon will rise in day
the son will fade away
the sea’s will dry
souls will die
because of her child’s lie
peace be
Day62
worry
blended with hurry
in here clear is blurry
me
i can not see
memory won’t let me be
heart
my lost forgotten art
keeps me, myself and i a-p-a-r-t
head
the place i soooo dread
me i should not have ever read
soul
scarred by memory’s unforgotten low
please heal re-grow re-begin to glow
memory
take it to the refinery
purify this lil giant memory
peace be
Day 61
drugs will:
1. make you do things you never thought you would do
2. take you places you never wanted to go
3. cost you more than you were ever willing to pay.
two
lay side, two sides
nowhere, two hide
love’s two, childish pride
two make, sex ride
two talk, amidst ugly lies
afraid to see, two blind
two tired, to rewind
two create, not one mind
reality, two find
two
peace be
Day 59
It’s Day 57 without chemicals. My Chemical Romance!…38 years. I fell head over heels for chemicals…love at first numb. So..here i am at age 51..left with the maturity of a thirteen year old..not knowing who i am without my chemicals. I hold on to them like a mother holding her child. Finding some kind of self-worth, security, and a feeling that “this” makes me ok..my child of chemicals. Drug of choice..”what you got!” ..my instinctive answer. Of course i have my first love, no other like her, but i love her family too. Through the years i’ve had romances with whatever her name was…doubt i can even recall all her names. Think?.. i’m afraid of being without her…scared shitless here. Yet i find excitement in, what i see as, the journey to me. Someday…i want to be…HER (the chemical that makes me, me). I don’t want to be able to get enough of me, i want to desire being me, i want to know being me is ok. I remember (from old photos) being four years old standing by an unlit metal trash can in the backyard with my mom and older sister at my side, throwing my blanket (blanky) in that soon to be fire breathing dragon.Yes…i threw my blanky in that dragon and mom lit the dragons breath. I cried! I lived through it. Now it’s time to throw my chemical blanky to the fire breathing dragon. Once my chemical blanky is consumed by the dragon’s fire…i must become the dragon. Alert, Powerful, Fearless, Fire breathing dragon…putting out the fire with my fire…me.
peace be
Day 57
Thank you to those of you who view and follow my blog. I write in this blog for me (selfish) but i find some relief, some kind of therapy, some accomplishment..do’n ’bout it..ya know. Not sure if i will ever be a bright and shiny writer…for example:
i look…
at earth’s book
i climb…
her hugging tree
i see…
the beauty of her sea
i notice…
the color in her sky
brings…
her rain to my eye
i stand…
on her ground
here i’m…
not lost but found
her love…
made me
now…
i can be
peace be
again thank you!
this worn storm
my natural norm
i… be swarm
what was re-born?
death’s saving kiss
you me miss
instant wish list
must have just miss’d
end’s final bliss
think’n i remember
the letter sender
behind blind bender
hands up surrender
suitcase heavily packed
take hat rack
don’t forget sack
be right back
this norml norms
addiction’s lighting storms
hate lengthy forms
fate form’s scorn
is sin real?
doesn’t innocence steal?
don’t make deals
eat orange peels
green as weed
produce higher breed
award’d top seed
hate hate’s creed
my norm…
this storm
peace be
Day 56
